נשמה אבודה חוזרת הביתה
When does a Journey begin? When does a story begin? For many of us, it's The Word, the first letter, the first word, the first spark of life when mother and father's cells unite, the first image, the first breath... others would like to believe all of this is relative, and nothing is connected.
Relativism leads us to push the boundaries of Being, History, Sense of Time, consciousness, personhood,...
Sadly relativism is a double edged sword, while it allows us to understand many important scientific concepts and conciliate science and Judaism, relativism also allows people to defy the very notion of being and personhood. Relativism is used to dilute morals and strip unborn of their humanity.
It is, however an important concept. The reason I'm talking about relativism is because I am writing my blog to document my spiritual journey and maybe help people in a similar situation.
When we read a story, our innate need for closure makes us complacent in the deceit that is literature, history and most forms of narrative.
We like the comfort of knowing a story is finished and we know all there is to know about it, we prefer to be deceived than have our need of closure not fulfilled.
Many times we ignore important time lapses, important pieces of data that would compromise the notion that a story is finished.
Writers are very cunning, they fool us with many techniques, ellipses and other figures of speech into believing that that story is all there is to know, or, that all that matters to the reader to know. To fulfill the need of closure with interrupted lives, their books end with " Happily ever after" or new beginnings as endings... as though one story has to finish for another to begin.
This artificial disconnect reflects our limitations as humans to comprehend the full scope of existence and life experience.
Sure, literature evolved greatly since Defoe and his innovations, characters are increasingly complex, there is an increase in the complexity of literary worlds, but the authors still fail to understand when things begin and when things end, they don't know their characters anymore than they know themselves, because things begin much earlier... the author fools himself into believing he knows everything about his creation, and readers to believe the same.
Sadly relativism is a double edged sword, while it allows us to understand many important scientific concepts and conciliate science and Judaism, relativism also allows people to defy the very notion of being and personhood. Relativism is used to dilute morals and strip unborn of their humanity.
It is, however an important concept. The reason I'm talking about relativism is because I am writing my blog to document my spiritual journey and maybe help people in a similar situation.
When we read a story, our innate need for closure makes us complacent in the deceit that is literature, history and most forms of narrative.
We like the comfort of knowing a story is finished and we know all there is to know about it, we prefer to be deceived than have our need of closure not fulfilled.
Many times we ignore important time lapses, important pieces of data that would compromise the notion that a story is finished.
Writers are very cunning, they fool us with many techniques, ellipses and other figures of speech into believing that that story is all there is to know, or, that all that matters to the reader to know. To fulfill the need of closure with interrupted lives, their books end with " Happily ever after" or new beginnings as endings... as though one story has to finish for another to begin.
This artificial disconnect reflects our limitations as humans to comprehend the full scope of existence and life experience.
Sure, literature evolved greatly since Defoe and his innovations, characters are increasingly complex, there is an increase in the complexity of literary worlds, but the authors still fail to understand when things begin and when things end, they don't know their characters anymore than they know themselves, because things begin much earlier... the author fools himself into believing he knows everything about his creation, and readers to believe the same.
Some authors recognize this limitation and will write prologues, prequels, sequels... but...
This reflection on relativism and narrative is very telling of the human mind. There are certain things we cannot grasp. Hashem provided us with many gifts but we are still unfinished and our mission is partnering with G-d to complete creation through fulfilling our mitsvos and full observance. We are limited in our perception of the large scope of creation, our position in it and our personal mission.
Herein begins this Journey, or at least my part of it. When we read books we are guided by the author and go to the exact place the author leads us to, the journey/story begins when the author decides it is relevant. The author arbitrarily chooses when the story begins, even though in that universe surely there were more beginnings, and in reality the story is but a small portion of an amalgam of stories and beginnings. In reality, however, things are not predefined for us, we are on a never ending quest for knowledge about our past and future. A continuous quest for truth! Some through history, others will delve in their genealogy...religions... but all we know is that we know nothing, we know not when everything began [Except if you accept the Torah as truth] ... there are multiple beginnings... and the world is a never ending cycle.
So in my journey of self-discovery ... when did my Jewishness really begin? The more I learn, the more remote and early my connection to Judaism.
How to define when it truly began? Was it that moment when I reconnected with Hashem? Or was it much earlier,... even before I was born? Was my neshema Jewish all along incarnated in a Gentile body? Or do I have Jewish ancestry? When did my path to Judaism really start? Was it when I had Yerushalayim Shel Zahav stuck in my head since early childhood and unable to identify it... (it was playing in my as I tried to sleep and remained in my head for long years)? Was it when I started catechism and denied the New testament as contradictory to the Old Testament? ... yet so many more questions. It could have been my childhood interest in Alchemy, my reading the Torah, studying Kabbalah through Alchemy... or even... living an entire year, unbeknownst to me, in front of an old Synagogue, my apartment a couple of meters above the ruins of an old Jewish neighborhood.
There are many questions to be answered, what I learned with this journey ( still beginning) is that even though I needed a trigger to find the Truth, and reconnect with G-d, my path started much earlier, sooner even than I expected. It seems all my life has been building up to this moment.
Everyday I get new information from within or guidance to pieces of my past.
So despite the 13th of November 2017 being the day I got confirmation from Hashem that I was on the right path, this journey began long before I was even aware of it. It's curious how every path in my life, and every detour seem to have in one way or another led me on a irreversible path to Judaism.
How do you know you have a Jewish Neshema? Honestly I didn't always know; it's quite amuzing (I meant amuzing[as in hilarious], but you could also say amazing) that from childhood my neshema did however reject christianity and I knew where their doctrine was in violation of G-d's commandments. I don't have such great memories of what English-speaking countries call sunday school. No matter how hard I tried to get answers and point out logic flaws and contradictions in their doctrine, I was always treated as a presumptuous, silly child. My catholic mother wasn't easy to deal with either.
I didn't know I may have a Jewish soul, but my thought processes were from a very early age very similar to those of Jews. Despite the heavy catholic indoctrination my original rebellion never fully subsided. It didn't matter that I didn't have a name for my beliefs, I tried to uphold them as best as I could. One of my main conflicts with the priests were Idolatry, dead worshipping, and the corruption of Passover. To me the Exodus and Scroll of Esther have always been my favourite parts of the bible, and it caused me immense pain that Catholics didn't celebrate Passover and appropriated Passover to their Messianic Idol worshipping practices.
As a consequence of my incompatibility with the Christian doctrine I defected Catholicism long before I completed my first decade of life, furthermore, I became agnostic [Claiming atheism at times] and my relationship with G-d would take twenty three years, to completely heal. I sought G-d many times [Reading religious texts, heck I even got my hands on some Kabbalah and the Torah, but I guess it wasn't yet time], but living in a non-Jewish environment, it would take me years to come back to G-d.
2017 was the year ( the last few months) that marked my journey the most, starting to be active on twitter was the best decision I ever made. Soon I started to interact with multiple people, including Jews, one of them, had an instinct about me [ although he only referenced this after I revealed my intentions to convert] and added me on twitter. We started interacting for a few months. It was eerie that sometimes my own natural proclivities were very aligned with Jewish morals, values and even Halacha. A few times I asked opinions about my tweets, and little twitter battles with depraved unnatural modern ideas... sometimes he'd tell me his opinion, other times he'd complete saying that those depravities are condemned by G-d and Halacha. Other times we'd debate existential things and our worldviews ( and those of Judaism) were very similar.
The main clue though, was debating my childhood views on Christianity and my rejection of Easter, Christmas, and my views on pagan practices within christianity. It was always baffling to me how Christians would proudly reject most mitsvos and make serious offenses against G-d by worshipping the dead ( their saints), praying to statues, and " saints instead of G-d, worse yet, claiming Jesus as G-d incarnate. That bit was always offensive to me.
The Journey is much more complex and too much for this first post... but I have been blessed to finally find my path and healing my connection to Hashem, and myself.
Ironically I always believed in G-d, I did however, doubt my own existence.... but this I will tell you another time.
Baruch Hashem for His incredible gift and for choosing me.
This reflection on relativism and narrative is very telling of the human mind. There are certain things we cannot grasp. Hashem provided us with many gifts but we are still unfinished and our mission is partnering with G-d to complete creation through fulfilling our mitsvos and full observance. We are limited in our perception of the large scope of creation, our position in it and our personal mission.
Herein begins this Journey, or at least my part of it. When we read books we are guided by the author and go to the exact place the author leads us to, the journey/story begins when the author decides it is relevant. The author arbitrarily chooses when the story begins, even though in that universe surely there were more beginnings, and in reality the story is but a small portion of an amalgam of stories and beginnings. In reality, however, things are not predefined for us, we are on a never ending quest for knowledge about our past and future. A continuous quest for truth! Some through history, others will delve in their genealogy...religions... but all we know is that we know nothing, we know not when everything began [Except if you accept the Torah as truth] ... there are multiple beginnings... and the world is a never ending cycle.
So in my journey of self-discovery ... when did my Jewishness really begin? The more I learn, the more remote and early my connection to Judaism.
How to define when it truly began? Was it that moment when I reconnected with Hashem? Or was it much earlier,... even before I was born? Was my neshema Jewish all along incarnated in a Gentile body? Or do I have Jewish ancestry? When did my path to Judaism really start? Was it when I had Yerushalayim Shel Zahav stuck in my head since early childhood and unable to identify it... (it was playing in my as I tried to sleep and remained in my head for long years)? Was it when I started catechism and denied the New testament as contradictory to the Old Testament? ... yet so many more questions. It could have been my childhood interest in Alchemy, my reading the Torah, studying Kabbalah through Alchemy... or even... living an entire year, unbeknownst to me, in front of an old Synagogue, my apartment a couple of meters above the ruins of an old Jewish neighborhood.
There are many questions to be answered, what I learned with this journey ( still beginning) is that even though I needed a trigger to find the Truth, and reconnect with G-d, my path started much earlier, sooner even than I expected. It seems all my life has been building up to this moment.
Everyday I get new information from within or guidance to pieces of my past.
So despite the 13th of November 2017 being the day I got confirmation from Hashem that I was on the right path, this journey began long before I was even aware of it. It's curious how every path in my life, and every detour seem to have in one way or another led me on a irreversible path to Judaism.
How do you know you have a Jewish Neshema? Honestly I didn't always know; it's quite amuzing (I meant amuzing[as in hilarious], but you could also say amazing) that from childhood my neshema did however reject christianity and I knew where their doctrine was in violation of G-d's commandments. I don't have such great memories of what English-speaking countries call sunday school. No matter how hard I tried to get answers and point out logic flaws and contradictions in their doctrine, I was always treated as a presumptuous, silly child. My catholic mother wasn't easy to deal with either.
I didn't know I may have a Jewish soul, but my thought processes were from a very early age very similar to those of Jews. Despite the heavy catholic indoctrination my original rebellion never fully subsided. It didn't matter that I didn't have a name for my beliefs, I tried to uphold them as best as I could. One of my main conflicts with the priests were Idolatry, dead worshipping, and the corruption of Passover. To me the Exodus and Scroll of Esther have always been my favourite parts of the bible, and it caused me immense pain that Catholics didn't celebrate Passover and appropriated Passover to their Messianic Idol worshipping practices.
As a consequence of my incompatibility with the Christian doctrine I defected Catholicism long before I completed my first decade of life, furthermore, I became agnostic [Claiming atheism at times] and my relationship with G-d would take twenty three years, to completely heal. I sought G-d many times [Reading religious texts, heck I even got my hands on some Kabbalah and the Torah, but I guess it wasn't yet time], but living in a non-Jewish environment, it would take me years to come back to G-d.
2017 was the year ( the last few months) that marked my journey the most, starting to be active on twitter was the best decision I ever made. Soon I started to interact with multiple people, including Jews, one of them, had an instinct about me [ although he only referenced this after I revealed my intentions to convert] and added me on twitter. We started interacting for a few months. It was eerie that sometimes my own natural proclivities were very aligned with Jewish morals, values and even Halacha. A few times I asked opinions about my tweets, and little twitter battles with depraved unnatural modern ideas... sometimes he'd tell me his opinion, other times he'd complete saying that those depravities are condemned by G-d and Halacha. Other times we'd debate existential things and our worldviews ( and those of Judaism) were very similar.
The main clue though, was debating my childhood views on Christianity and my rejection of Easter, Christmas, and my views on pagan practices within christianity. It was always baffling to me how Christians would proudly reject most mitsvos and make serious offenses against G-d by worshipping the dead ( their saints), praying to statues, and " saints instead of G-d, worse yet, claiming Jesus as G-d incarnate. That bit was always offensive to me.
The Journey is much more complex and too much for this first post... but I have been blessed to finally find my path and healing my connection to Hashem, and myself.
Ironically I always believed in G-d, I did however, doubt my own existence.... but this I will tell you another time.
Baruch Hashem for His incredible gift and for choosing me.
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